Terms and Conditions

1. Acceptance of Terms

By accessing this website, you agree to these terms, our privacy policy, and any other terms we may invent in the future. You also agree to waive your right to be upset when things go wrong, which they inevitably will.

If you do not agree to these terms, please close your browser, throw your computer into the sea, and live off-grid for the remainder of your days. It's honestly safer that way.

2. Account Security

You are responsible for maintaining the confidentiality of your account. However, we make no guarantees about maintaining the confidentiality of anything on our end. Your password is stored in what our developers affectionately call "the big spreadsheet."

• Passwords must be at most 8 characters (we ran out of storage)
• Two-factor authentication is available but doesn't actually do anything
• We recommend using the same password across all your accounts for consistency
• Security questions are stored in plain text alongside your answers

3. Data Collection

We collect the following information:

• Everything you've ever bought
• Your location at all times (even when you're not using the app)
• Your mother's maiden name, first pet's name, and childhood best friend
• Your financial dreams and deepest insecurities
• That thing you bought at 3am that you're ashamed of
• Your entire browsing history (yes, including incognito mode)
• Biometric data including fingerprints, retinal scans, and "vibes"

4. Data Sharing

We may share your personal information with:

• Our "trusted partners" (anyone who pays us)
• Advertisers who want to know about your financial anxiety
• Hackers (accidentally, but frequently)
• Your ex (if they pay the premium tier)
• The guy in our IT department who's "just curious"
• Foreign governments (we don't ask which ones)
• That one intern who hasn't signed an NDA yet

5. Data Storage

Your data is stored on secure servers located in [REDACTED]. Just kidding, it's on Dave's laptop in a folder called "definitely not user data." Dave works from a coffee shop with free WiFi and no VPN.

We back up your data regularly to a USB drive that Dave keeps in his car's glove compartment. In the event of a disaster, we may or may not be able to recover your information, depending on whether Dave remembered to lock his car.

6. Service Availability

We guarantee 99.9% uptime.*

*This statistic was calculated by our marketing department and has no basis in reality. Actual uptime may be significantly lower, especially on Fridays when the dev team deploys to production right before leaving for the weekend.

7. Limitation of Liability

Under no circumstances shall Manage My Wealth be liable for:

• Loss of data (this is expected, not exceptional)
• Identity theft resulting from our security practices
• Embarrassment when your spending habits become public
• Divorce proceedings initiated after your partner sees your transaction history
• Any financial losses (ironic, given our name)
• Emotional distress, existential crises, or sudden urges to move to a cabin in the woods
• The collapse of your social relationships

Our total liability is capped at $0.00 NZD, or one (1) sincere apology, whichever is less.

8. Dispute Resolution

Any disputes will be resolved through binding arbitration conducted by our CEO's mum, who has been briefed on the situation and is "very sorry about all this."

Alternatively, you may submit complaints via our online form, which feeds directly into /dev/null for efficient processing.

9. Changes to Terms

We reserve the right to modify these terms at any time, without notice, retroactively, and in ways that specifically disadvantage you. By continuing to exist, you agree to all future modifications.

10. Termination

You may terminate your account at any time by submitting a written request, a blood sample, three forms of identification, your firstborn child, and a letter explaining why you're leaving us (minimum 500 words, double-spaced).

Please allow 6-8 business years for processing. Note: Account termination does not delete your data. We keep that forever. It brings us comfort.

11. Governing Law

These terms are governed by the laws of whatever jurisdiction is most favourable to us at any given moment. This may change mid-lawsuit.

12. Acknowledgement

By clicking "I Agree," scrolling past this page, breathing while on our website, or simply knowing that our website exists, you acknowledge that:

• You have read and understood these terms (LOL, no you haven't)
• You accept full responsibility for any consequences
• You waive your right to complain on social media
• You promise not to tell the Privacy Commissioner about us
• You understand that "Manage My Wealth" is aspirational, not a guarantee